By guest contributor David Lapin

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
Leo Tolstoy
1828 – 1910

When leaders make a choice to change themselves, it will inevitably transform their team, too.

Traditionally, we manage people by promising them rewards for reaching their goals and penalties for failing to. If this doesn’t work, we often replace the individual or change the team. Many times though, after the change the team is as dysfunctional as it was before. This is because the only thing that hasn’t changed is the only thing that needed to change: the leader!

A client of mine told me about a military unit in which he once served. He was embarrassed by its reputation for ineffectiveness and poor discipline. Nothing the lieutenant did made any difference to the unit’s performance, and the unit was ridiculed and shunned. Then a new lieutenant was appointed. With no other apparent changes, the unit transformed and became one of the finest. Changing a leader changes a team, but “changing a leader” does not necessarily entail replacing him or her. Changing a leader could simply mean that a leader makes a choice to change him or herself. This will inevitably transform their team, too.

If you are experiencing difficulties with the team you lead, see what happens when you begin to handle yourself more effectively, controlling your emotions and treating others with more respect. Show your team members a new trust. You know intuitively that the team will change. They will respond by trying to prove themselves worthy of your trust. We are wired not to disappoint the people who have faith in us. When you show your faith in your people, they will almost always rise to the occasion. The response you get from others naturally mirrors the energy you exude.

Chief Ethan Brenner (the names in this story were changed to protect privacy) had just been appointed chief of police in a large city in the U.S. Northwest. He had competed for the job with a colleague named Scott. After losing the position, Scott became impossible to work with. Chief Brenner made Scott head of traffic, but he was often tardy and failed to deliver results. Every attempt the chief made to discipline him and manage his performance was met with greater mistrust from Scott, who took every opportunity to undermine Brenner and sabotage his efforts. That’s when Brenner turned to me.

At the time I met Chief Brenner, I’d been working with law enforcement leadership in the U.S. for over a decade in an effort to increase their interpersonal effectiveness, both internally and externally, and to reduce their dependence on the use of force. By then, more than one hundred thousand police officers in California alone had been influenced by Lead by Greatness methods.

In Brenner’s situation, the solution was clear. Scott was disgruntled and clearly in no state of mind to support the efforts of his new boss and former peer. He needed to change—but it was not only his actions that needed improvement, it was also his state of mind. So I urged Brenner to change his tactics. Soon afterward, the president was due in town. The chief knew he could not afford any mistakes, but it was then that he made his bold move.

Brenner called Scott and said, “I’m under tremendous pressure, and I’d really appreciate it if you took complete command of the president’s visit and the smooth operation of his motorcade. I have faith in your ability, and while I am only a call away if you need me, I trust you to handle this on your own.”

Brenner stepped back, and Scott rose to the occasion. The presidential visit went smoothly, and Scott became the chief’s biggest supporter, never needing to be disciplined again. The chief had tried to change Scott for years and had accomplished nothing but failure and heartache. How did the chief finally change Scott? After trying to change him in every way possible within the conventional parameters of human resource management, he ultimately succeeded only when he changed himself. By trusting himself to trust Scott and removing any manifestation of defensiveness and anger toward Scott, he began to Lead by Greatness. Scott responded with a greatness from within himself that had never before been evident to Chief Brenner.

Your own greatness is your best, if not your only, tool with which to change the way other people live and act. Your power to change people with your own greatness extends far beyond your family, team, and even organization. Each of us has the power and the ability to change the world and leave it a little different, a little better than it would have been without us. This principle is foundational to the Kabbalistic view of the purpose of humankind. “He [the Creator] did not create the world to be a wasteland; rather He formed it so that humankind would develop and impact it.” This is true not only of the world as a whole, but also of each individual’s life, as it is lived every day. We can, and we do, leave every person or group of people we touch a little different every day.

By honing your leadership character and building your human greatness, you will generate higher, more focused energy and impact the people around and beyond you in ways you could never before have imagined.

Remembering you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
Steve Jobs
1955 – 2011

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
DAVID LAPIN, rabbi and corporate advisor, is CEO of Lapin International, a leadership consulting company that helps organizations develop inspirational leaders and self-driven teams that outperform the competition. For more information, please visit www.lapininternational.com.

Excerpted with permission of the publisher Avoda Books from Lead By Greatness: How Character Can Power Your Success by David Lapin. Copyright © 2012 by David Lapin.

The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.
Socrates
470 B.C. – 399 B.C.

One of my Saturday morning rituals is to head to Super Target to do our weekly household shopping. Gallon jugs of bottled water are among the staples I buy every trip. Normally I have at least six gallons, so when I go through the checkout line, I put one jug as the first item to be scanned and tell the cashier how many bottles are still in the basket.

One recent Saturday, I’d finished making my purchases and was unloading the groceries into the car. As I picked up the last jug of water, I discovered two snack bars that had been hidden behind it. I muttered a curse under my breath. Apparently when I was stacking things in the top section of the basket, the snack bars had slipped through the gap and fallen behind the water.

I instinctively looked around to see if anyone had noticed that I was an accidental shoplifter. But there were no guards or security personnel sizing me up or marching purposefully in my direction.

With no conscious thought, various conflicting ideas began to run through my mind. It’s only two snack bars. You didn’t pay for them. It’s only two dollars. No one saw you. You didn’t do it intentionally. There are perishable foods in the car. It’s starting to get warm. The food might spoil. If you go back, the lines might be long. You might have to wait 10 minutes to get checked out. Don’t worry about the bars. It’s no big deal.

I’m not sure what triggered all these rationalizations and justifications. I hadn’t intentionally considered what to do. But for a short time, my mind was conjuring up lots of conflicting messages.

I silenced the random thoughts and asked myself a question which has often served me well: what’s the right thing to do? When faced with a moral dilemma, either large or small, I suggest you stop and ask the same question.

By the way, I was lucky; the line wasn’t long.

The trite saying that honesty is the best policy has met with the just criticism that honesty is not policy. The real honest man is honest from conviction of what is right, not from policy.
Robert E. Lee
1807 – 1870

By guest contributor Sharon Sayler

An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.
Mahatma Gandhi
1869 – 1948

Too often, people take a passive position in response to anger or being treated poorly by others. They will delay, diminish or change the context of a situation to avoid having to deal with the problem in an attempt to spare someone’s feelings. This tactic, lying low in the hope that things will magically improve, is always a bad idea.

It all comes down to the law of cause and effect. In this case, if you allow yourself to be treated badly and do not bring it to the offender’s attention in a polite, yet firm way, the effect produced by their bad behavior is your implicit acceptance of that behavior. By accepting bad behavior, you’re essentially creating a self-fulfilling reward system for bad behavior or mistreatment to continue. We teach people what we will and won’t accept by setting clear boundaries.

Being a Pushover or Allowing Bad Treatment = Loose Boundaries

Appropriate boundaries come from having a good sense of who you are and your self-worth. Boundaries make it possible for us to separate our own thoughts and feelings from those of others and to take responsibility for what we think, feel and do.

Healthy boundaries are flexible. They allow us to get close to others when it is suitable and to maintain our distance when we might be harmed emotionally or physically.

Boundary problems are the result of distorted views about personal responsibility. If we don’t have a good sense of who we are, setting boundaries can produce feelings of guilt, selfishness, and shame.  Sometimes people with loose or blurred boundaries feel:

• Holding someone responsible for their own feelings, choices, and behaviors is mean
• Another person will not make the right choice
• They need to control, protect or shelter the other person
• That other people deserve more than they do

To avoid having loose boundaries, allow other people the right to own and be responsible for their own actions, behaviors, attitudes and emotions. Having appropriate boundaries in place will not make your life conflict free, although it will make conflict easier to resolve.

When Someone Is Pushing Your Boundaries

Each time you set or you wish you had set a boundary, be mindfully aware of your thoughts and feelings behind the need for that boundary. Once you are aware of what is driving the need, you can begin to assert your wishes in an effective way.

Start by giving the offender the benefit of doubt; perhaps they were rushed, stressed, or not paying attention. Then ask for clarification: “Perhaps I heard that wrong…” or “What is it that you want to get resolved?” or one of my favorites, “Tell me more….” By speaking up, you set the example for how you expect to be treated.

If you don’t like someone’s treatment of you, step up and say so.  Set limits, stop accepting negative behaviors, and start acting the way you want to be treated, at all times. If you don’t treat yourself well, others won’t either.

If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. This principle is the key to effective interpersonal communication.
Stephen Covey
1932 -

Sharon Sayler is an expert in effective communication and conflict resolution. She is author of the book What Your Body Says (And How to Master the Message). You can find more about her at her website http://sharonsayler.com.

Men of ill judgment oft ignore the good that lies within their hands, till they have lost it.
Sophocles
c. 495 -429 B.C.

Over the years, I’ve been an adviser to a wide range of people from countries throughout the world. When I start working with someone, one of the first questions I ask is, “When will you be happy?” or “When will you consider yourself successful?”

Here’s a sampling of the answers I’ve gotten:

• When I complete my MBA, PhD, or some other academic accomplishment.
• When I’m promoted to manager, director, CEO or some other position.
• When I get a new home, a fancy car, a summer beach house, or a mountain cottage.
• When I own my own business.
• When my business is worth a certain amount.

You can probably see the pattern here: most people feel like happiness or success depends on some future event. But there are problems with that way of thinking.

First, when you tie your happiness or success to some milestone in the future, you’re unconsciously telling yourself that you’re not happy or successful now. But now is the only time you can feel successful or happy; now is the only time there is. The future is speculation: it doesn’t exist yet. If you don’t let yourself feel happy or successful now, you may never get there.

The second problem is that any standard you set for happiness or success is a moving target. Once you obtain the position, income, or possession you think you need, you quickly become acclimated to it. And almost immediately, you devise a new standard.

Our requirements for happiness are usually based on relative comparisons that are completely arbitrary. The level of income we want, the job title we seek, the status we think material possessions convey – all these measures are relative. As soon as someone we know achieves a similar status, we automatically raise our targets.

So what’s the lesson? Happiness can and should be achieved right now, through appreciation and gratitude for the good things already present in your life. Give up comparing your life and accomplishments with others. Your happiness and feelings of success are internal matters, and you’ll never feel happy or successful when your focus is external. Learn to be happy with what you have.

Nothing ever happened in the past; it happened in the Now.
Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now.
Eckhart Tolle
1948 -