What you do not want done to yourself, do not to others.
Confucius
551 – 479 BC
Many years ago, I was at a birthday party for one of the younger children in our extended family. There were a couple of young girls, probably about five years old, and apparently there was some sort of disagreement. All I saw was one young girl hit the other one.
The young girl that got hit wasn’t hurt; at that age, they really aren’t strong enough to do physical damage with just their hands. But she definitely got her feelings hurt, judging from the volume of her crying.
The offending girl’s mom had a little talk with her daughter and made her go apologize. She went over, put her arms around the sobbing child, and said, “I’m sorry I hit you, but you shouldn’t have made me mad.”
Fast-forward a couple of weeks. I had done something that I really should not have done and I began to offer an apology. “I’m sorry for my mistake, but–”
I stopped in mid-sentence and remembered that little girl at the party.
What does it mean when we make a statement and then insert the word “but”? “But” serves to negate what we just said. Saying “I’m sorry, but” means we’re not truly sorry or we’re trying to justify our actions, thereby shifting the blame elsewhere.
I’d like you to stop and think of the number of times you’ve said similar words. When we offer an apology and then follow it with an explanation of why it’s not really our fault, what does that do to the value of the apology? Do you think you’re accepting responsibility for what you did? I should hope not. You’re trying to justify what you did. As long as you rationalize your actions, you’re not accepting responsibility for them.
The person I was talking to must have wondered what was going on in my mind. I brought myself back to the present moment and said, “Let me begin again.” This time I truly offered an apology by accepting total responsibility. I did not hedge, rationalize or try to justify my actions.
How many times do you say you’re sorry for what you’ve done and then immediately take it back by trying to justify your actions? We’re all human and we all make mistakes – some minor, some bad, and some so awful we’re truly ashamed of what we did. But invariably, we try to rationalize our behavior.
The lesson you should learn is never to offer an apology and then try to excuse your behavior. Not only do you negate the apology by justifying your actions, you evade taking responsibility for your actions. If you fail to take responsibility for your actions, there’s no chance to learn from your mistakes.
The next time you want to apologize, stop and think of this little lesson. If you learn to leave out the “but” and drop the justification, your apology will be genuine and much more effective. And the greater benefit will be the improvements you make by taking full responsibility for your actions.
Confession of our faults is the next thing to innocence.
Publilius Syrus
1st Century BC
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