Too much self-centered attitude, you see, brings isolation. Result: loneliness, fear, anger. The extreme self-centered attitude is the source of suffering.
Dalai Lama
1935 –

In 1995, Robert Putnam, a Harvard Professor of Public Policy, wrote an article that he later expanded into the book Bowling Alone. One of the more interesting observations he made was that there was an increase in bowling as a recreational activity but a decrease in bowling leagues: so people were bowling more, just not in leagues. Despite the book’s title, people weren’t actually bowling alone, but they were limiting themselves by selecting teammates and opponents from their existing social circle rather than playing in a league, where they could meet and interact with new people.

If this phenomenon was limited to bowling, I wouldn’t be discussing it here. But the bowling trend provides a good example of a troubling pattern spanning a large segment of the population: we are choosing to become more isolated.

Membership in civic organizations such as Rotary Club and Lions Club is declining, and so is membership in local gaming clubs. We’re choosing to spend more time alone or with a group of close friends or relatives. We want to be around people we’re comfortable with, who hold the same beliefs we do.

The changes in our work environments also contribute to social isolation. With so much new technology, workers don’t share as much personal contact as they once did. An increasing number of individuals work at home, and even in traditional workplaces, we often rely more on digital communication than on human interaction.

The downside of these trends is that we’ve become more isolated. And by limiting our social interaction to close friends and relatives — people who tend to share and reflect our own ideas and beliefs — we contribute to the polarization of society.

Let’s go back to the example of bowling. In league play, teams rotate playing against other teams, so members were forced to mingle with a diverse group of people. Individuals would interact with people who held different beliefs, practices, and habits. This exposure to cultural diversity helped soften and diffuse some rigid beliefs; it’s much easier to accept cultural differences when we associate them with a real live person we know. And we’re less likely to fear people who are different if we actually meet them and recognize the things we have in common.

With the isolation that’s occurring in today’s society, rigid beliefs become more entrenched and our society becomes more and more polarized. We have less tolerance for those who don’t share our narrowing view of the way the world should work.

So what can we do? Make it a point not to “bowl alone”. Be proactive about mixing and mingling with people who think differently than you do. Seek to understand different cultures and different beliefs and try to recognize our common humanity.

I confess that I have a low tolerance for people who are racists, bigots, misogynists, or religious radicals. But if I avoid these people, I have no chance to understand or influence them.

The attitude that your beliefs are right and those of everyone else are wrong only serves to increase discontent, frustration, and polarization. So many of our social problems can be traced to isolation. If we want our civilization to survive, we must reduce polarization and face our world’s challenges together.

We can learn the art of fierce compassion — redefining strength, deconstructing isolation and renewing a sense of community, practicing letting go of rigid us-vs.-them thinking — while cultivating power and clarity in response to difficult situations.
Sharon Salzberg
1952 –

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