The impulse to blame something or someone else is foolishness, there is nothing to be gained in blaming.
Epictetus
55 – 135 A.D.

When something goes wrong, what is your immediate, instinctive reaction? If you’re like most people, you want to uncover why things stopped working. What happened? Who was at fault? How can it be fixed?

Conventional wisdom says that the best way to solve problems is to look for the reason things failed, then correct it. Often, while looking for the cause of the problem, we seek to assign responsibility for it as well.

That’s not always the best course of action.

While finding the person responsible seems like the logical thing to do, it often does more harm than good. This principle holds true whether we’re talking about situations involving work, family, a dating relationship or just a friendship.

When was the last time someone blamed you for something? Regardless of whether you were at fault, what was your immediate reaction? You became defensive. You wanted to tell your side of the story. You were more interested in being able to explain or justify your actions than in finding a solution.

And what about the person who blamed you? Blaming someone else makes us feel good. We felt wronged, let down, and being able to place blame eases that feeling. By pointing out another person’s error, we can tell ourselves that we are clearly the better person.

Here’s the real problem. There can be no learning when a person is being blamed. When we’re trying to defend what we did, we don’t take responsibility for our actions. We can’t learn from our mistakes in this frame of mind.

Also, placing blame causes us to concentrate on what’s wrong, elevating its importance. Focusing our attention on a failure tends to make the significance of that error grow. The more we focus on problems, the less we pay attention to the good in the relationship. Soon we’re totally focused on all the faults in the relationship. This is clearly not the way to build trust between people.

So what’s the answer? First, avoid the blame game. It serves no useful purpose. Learn to discuss issues without placing blame. Don’t make the problem worse by giving it more attention than it deserves.

If you make a mistake, what’s the best course of action? Own the mistake, take responsibility, learn from it and move on. Don’t let the memory of a mistake haunt your life. It can become a self-limiting belief.

Things that are past it is foolish to blame.
Confucius
551 – 479 B.C.

Copyright © 2009 John Chancellor