Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
Leo Tolstoy
1828 – 1910

When leaders make a choice to change themselves, it will inevitably transform their team, too.

Traditionally, we manage people by promising them rewards for reaching their goals and penalties for failing to. If this doesn’t work, we often replace the individual or change the team. Many times though, after the change the team is as dysfunctional as it was before. This is because the only thing that hasn’t changed is the only thing that needed to change: the leader!

A client of mine told me about a military unit in which he once served. He was embarrassed by its reputation for ineffectiveness and poor discipline. Nothing the lieutenant did made any difference to the unit’s performance, and the unit was ridiculed and shunned. Then a new lieutenant was appointed. With no other apparent changes, the unit transformed and became one of the finest. Changing a leader changes a team, but “changing a leader” does not necessarily entail replacing him or her. Changing a leader could simply mean that a leader makes a choice to change him or herself. This will inevitably transform their team, too.

If you are experiencing difficulties with the team you lead, see what happens when you begin to handle yourself more effectively, controlling your emotions and treating others with more respect. Show your team members a new trust. You know intuitively that the team will change. They will respond by trying to prove themselves worthy of your trust. We are wired not to disappoint the people who have faith in us. When you show your faith in your people, they will almost always rise to the occasion. The response you get from others naturally mirrors the energy you exude.

Chief Ethan Brenner (the names in this story were changed to protect privacy) had just been appointed chief of police in a large city in the U.S. Northwest. He had competed for the job with a colleague named Scott. After losing the position, Scott became impossible to work with. Chief Brenner made Scott head of traffic, but he was often tardy and failed to deliver results. Every attempt the chief made to discipline him and manage his performance was met with greater mistrust from Scott, who took every opportunity to undermine Brenner and sabotage his efforts. That’s when Brenner turned to me.

At the time I met Chief Brenner, I’d been working with law enforcement leadership in the U.S. for over a decade in an effort to increase their interpersonal effectiveness, both internally and externally, and to reduce their dependence on the use of force. By then, more than one hundred thousand police officers in California alone had been influenced by Lead by Greatness methods.

In Brenner’s situation, the solution was clear. Scott was disgruntled and clearly in no state of mind to support the efforts of his new boss and former peer. He needed to change—but it was not only his actions that needed improvement, it was also his state of mind. So I urged Brenner to change his tactics. Soon afterward, the president was due in town. The chief knew he could not afford any mistakes, but it was then that he made his bold move.

Brenner called Scott and said, “I’m under tremendous pressure, and I’d really appreciate it if you took complete command of the president’s visit and the smooth operation of his motorcade. I have faith in your ability, and while I am only a call away if you need me, I trust you to handle this on your own.”

Brenner stepped back, and Scott rose to the occasion. The presidential visit went smoothly, and Scott became the chief’s biggest supporter, never needing to be disciplined again. The chief had tried to change Scott for years and had accomplished nothing but failure and heartache. How did the chief finally change Scott? After trying to change him in every way possible within the conventional parameters of human resource management, he ultimately succeeded only when he changed himself. By trusting himself to trust Scott and removing any manifestation of defensiveness and anger toward Scott, he began to Lead by Greatness. Scott responded with a greatness from within himself that had never before been evident to Chief Brenner.

Your own greatness is your best, if not your only, tool with which to change the way other people live and act. Your power to change people with your own greatness extends far beyond your family, team, and even organization. Each of us has the power and the ability to change the world and leave it a little different, a little better than it would have been without us. This principle is foundational to the Kabbalistic view of the purpose of humankind. “He [the Creator] did not create the world to be a wasteland; rather He formed it so that humankind would develop and impact it.” This is true not only of the world as a whole, but also of each individual’s life, as it is lived every day. We can, and we do, leave every person or group of people we touch a little different every day.

By honing your leadership character and building your human greatness, you will generate higher, more focused energy and impact the people around and beyond you in ways you could never before have imagined.

Remembering you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
Steve Jobs
1955 – 2011

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
DAVID LAPIN, rabbi and corporate advisor, is CEO of Lapin International, a leadership consulting company that helps organizations develop inspirational leaders and self-driven teams that outperform the competition. For more information, please visit www.lapininternational.com.

Excerpted with permission of the publisher Avoda Books from Lead By Greatness: How Character Can Power Your Success by David Lapin. Copyright © 2012 by David Lapin.

One of my Saturday morning rituals is to head to Super Target to do our weekly household shopping. Gallon jugs of bottled water are among the staples I buy every trip. Normally I have at least six gallons, so when I go through the checkout line, I put one jug as the first item to be scanned and tell the cashier how many bottles are still in the basket.

One recent Saturday, I’d finished making my purchases and was unloading the groceries into the car. As I picked up the last jug of water, I discovered two snack bars that had been hidden behind it. I muttered a curse under my breath. Apparently when I was stacking things in the top section of the basket, the snack bars had slipped through the gap and fallen behind the water.

I instinctively looked around to see if anyone had noticed that I was an accidental shoplifter. But there were no guards or security personnel sizing me up or marching purposefully in my direction.

With no conscious thought, various conflicting ideas began to run through my mind. It’s only two snack bars. You didn’t pay for them. It’s only two dollars. No one saw you. You didn’t do it intentionally. There are perishable foods in the car. It’s starting to get warm. The food might spoil. If you go back, the lines might be long. You might have to wait 10 minutes to get checked out. Don’t worry about the bars. It’s no big deal.

I’m not sure what triggered all these rationalizations and justifications. I hadn’t intentionally considered what to do. But for a short time, my mind was conjuring up lots of conflicting messages.

I silenced the random thoughts and asked myself a question which has often served me well: what’s the right thing to do? When faced with a moral dilemma, either large or small, I suggest you stop and ask the same question.

By the way, I was lucky; the line wasn’t long.

The trite saying that honesty is the best policy has met with the just criticism that honesty is not policy. The real honest man is honest from conviction of what is right, not from policy.
Robert E. Lee
1807 – 1870

An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.
Mahatma Gandhi
1869 – 1948

Too often, people take a passive position in response to anger or being treated poorly by others. They will delay, diminish or change the context of a situation to avoid having to deal with the problem in an attempt to spare someone’s feelings. This tactic, lying low in the hope that things will magically improve, is always a bad idea.

It all comes down to the law of cause and effect. In this case, if you allow yourself to be treated badly and do not bring it to the offender’s attention in a polite, yet firm way, the effect produced by their bad behavior is your implicit acceptance of that behavior. By accepting bad behavior, you’re essentially creating a self-fulfilling reward system for bad behavior or mistreatment to continue. We teach people what we will and won’t accept by setting clear boundaries.

Being a Pushover or Allowing Bad Treatment = Loose Boundaries

Appropriate boundaries come from having a good sense of who you are and your self-worth. Boundaries make it possible for us to separate our own thoughts and feelings from those of others and to take responsibility for what we think, feel and do.

Healthy boundaries are flexible. They allow us to get close to others when it is suitable and to maintain our distance when we might be harmed emotionally or physically.

Boundary problems are the result of distorted views about personal responsibility. If we don’t have a good sense of who we are, setting boundaries can produce feelings of guilt, selfishness, and shame.  Sometimes people with loose or blurred boundaries feel:

• Holding someone responsible for their own feelings, choices, and behaviors is mean
• Another person will not make the right choice
• They need to control, protect or shelter the other person
• That other people deserve more than they do

To avoid having loose boundaries, allow other people the right to own and be responsible for their own actions, behaviors, attitudes and emotions. Having appropriate boundaries in place will not make your life conflict free, although it will make conflict easier to resolve.

When Someone Is Pushing Your Boundaries

Each time you set or you wish you had set a boundary, be mindfully aware of your thoughts and feelings behind the need for that boundary. Once you are aware of what is driving the need, you can begin to assert your wishes in an effective way.

Start by giving the offender the benefit of doubt; perhaps they were rushed, stressed, or not paying attention. Then ask for clarification: “Perhaps I heard that wrong…” or “What is it that you want to get resolved?” or one of my favorites, “Tell me more….” By speaking up, you set the example for how you expect to be treated.

If you don’t like someone’s treatment of you, step up and say so.  Set limits, stop accepting negative behaviors, and start acting the way you want to be treated, at all times. If you don’t treat yourself well, others won’t either.

If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. This principle is the key to effective interpersonal communication.
Stephen Covey
1932 -

Sharon Sayler is an expert in effective communication and conflict resolution. She is author of the book What Your Body Says (And How to Master the Message). You can find more about her at her website http://sharonsayler.com.

Over the years, I’ve been an adviser to a wide range of people from countries throughout the world. When I start working with someone, one of the first questions I ask is, “When will you be happy?” or “When will you consider yourself successful?”

Here’s a sampling of the answers I’ve gotten:

• When I complete my MBA, PhD, or some other academic accomplishment.
• When I’m promoted to manager, director, CEO or some other position.
• When I get a new home, a fancy car, a summer beach house, or a mountain cottage.
• When I own my own business.
• When my business is worth a certain amount.

You can probably see the pattern here: most people feel like happiness or success depends on some future event. But there are problems with that way of thinking.

First, when you tie your happiness or success to some milestone in the future, you’re unconsciously telling yourself that you’re not happy or successful now. But now is the only time you can feel successful or happy; now is the only time there is. The future is speculation: it doesn’t exist yet. If you don’t let yourself feel happy or successful now, you may never get there.

The second problem is that any standard you set for happiness or success is a moving target. Once you obtain the position, income, or possession you think you need, you quickly become acclimated to it. And almost immediately, you devise a new standard.

Our requirements for happiness are usually based on relative comparisons that are completely arbitrary. The level of income we want, the job title we seek, the status we think material possessions convey – all these measures are relative. As soon as someone we know achieves a similar status, we automatically raise our targets.

So what’s the lesson? Happiness can and should be achieved right now, through appreciation and gratitude for the good things already present in your life. Give up comparing your life and accomplishments with others. Your happiness and feelings of success are internal matters, and you’ll never feel happy or successful when your focus is external. Learn to be happy with what you have.

Nothing ever happened in the past; it happened in the Now.
Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now.
Eckhart Tolle
1948 -

There was a news story a few years back about an eighteen-wheeler transporting heavy equipment. The driver attempted to go through an underpass, but his load was a little too high and the truck got stuck. It was lodged there and couldn’t go forward or backward.

The authorities were called in and everyone was standing around evaluating the situation. The truck only needed a couple of inches to clear the underpass, but it looked like the only solution was to dismantle or remove a portion of the cargo, let the truck pass and then reload the equipment. So the driver called for some heavy equipment to do just that, despite the fact that it would be expensive and time consuming.

Well, as often happens in these situations, the incident attracted a lot of bystanders. One was a young boy on a bicycle. After watching and listening to all the discussions, the young boy finally got the courage to go to the driver and make a suggestion.

“Why don’t you just let some air out of the tires?”

Within minutes and at almost no cost, the problem was solved. The tires were deflated just enough to get the load through, then they were re-inflated. Problem solved.

You may smile at the fact that a young boy came up with such a simple, effective solution when all the authorities were calling for costly and complicated measures. But most of us are guilty of the same sort of thinking in our daily lives. We try to make things more complicated than they actually are; we fail to look for simple or obvious solutions to our problems.

What I suggest is that you open your mind to new solutions by looking at each situation from a different angle. We often believe that there is only one possible solution to the problem and we focus all our energy and effort there. I’ve seen hundreds of businesses seek additional capital to solve cash flow needs when the best solution is to eliminate operational inefficiencies. Additional capital doesn’t solve the problem; it only hides it.

We often take a negative approach to problems and wonder why we have so much trouble doing the work. Instead of resenting the hurdle, view the situation as an opportunity to exercise your problem-solving skills.

Learn to re-frame problems; look at them from a different angle and see if a solution doesn’t present itself. View problems and temporary setbacks as opportunities for learning and growth. Every cloud has a silver lining. At times, it’s difficult to see the opportunity, but if you open your mind and search long enough, you’ll find it.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Sir Winston Churchill
1874 – 1965

If you’ve ever wanted to get rid of a couple of inches around the waistline, you’ve probably tried a diet. You’re probably also aware that over 90% of people who go on a diet aren’t successful on a long-term basis; whatever weight they drop generally comes back within a short period of time.

You might be surprised to learn that there’s a no-diet diet and it really works. The program resulted from a set of experiments done by Professor Ben Fletcher at the University of Hertfordshire. He was working with groups of people and each day, they had to pick a different option from contrasting behaviors: lively/quiet, reactive/proactive, introvert/extrovert, passive/assertive, generous/stingy, shy/flirty, and so on. If a person was an introvert, she’d choose to act like an extrovert. If a person was normally quiet, he could choose to be lively. Each day, they had to choose a behavior that was the opposite of their typical demeanor, then act in a manner consistent with that behavior. They also had to do something outside of their normal range of activities at least twice weekly.

Now here’s the interesting part: Dr. Fletcher found that after four months, the subjects had lost an average of eleven pounds. They weren’t on a diet; losing weight was simply a by-product of taking part in the psychological experiment.

How can we explain these results? Well, the underlying principle is that we’re ruled by habit. When people acted in ways unlike their normal behavior, they forced themselves to consciously think about their actions; they stopped acting like robots and actually took control of their lives. Instead of acting out of habit, they made conscious decisions about their behavior. And instead of eating out of habit, they became more conscious about what, when and how much they ate.

Does this have implications for other areas of our lives? It certainly does. Professor Fletcher calls this FIT Science — Framework for Internal Transformation. It’s well known that if you want things to change, you need to change. But change is extremely difficult. We can’t transform ourselves through sheer willpower. We need to make a fundamental shift for change to be permanent. And the way to do it is with small steps.

Trying to alter major elements of our lives doesn’t work. It’s too difficult. We need to take small steps to change our habits: bringing little things into our conscious awareness and making deliberate choices. If we can make conscious choices — deciding between two opposing options — we will eventually form new, better habits. We’ll lose weight, get out of our comfort zones and start doing the things we should be doing.

While the participants in the experiment lost weight without being on a diet, the applications for other areas of our lives offer much greater benefits. Any time we attempt to change some major part of our lives, fear of the unknown kicks in to keep us stuck in our comfort zone. We have a built-in fear of change. Couple the fear of change with the power of habit and you’ll begin to see why change is so difficult. But by becoming consciously aware of our choices in life, we can dramatically alter our lives by taking small steps not directly connected with the change we seek.

If you really want to change your life, become aware of the things you do. By concentrating on one small behavior and altering your choices in that area, you can make a habit of consciously considering the choices you face. The more aware you are of your choices, the better choices you’ll make. And better choices lead to improvement in all areas of life.

Nothing is stronger than habit.
Ovid
43 B.C. – A. D. c. 18

If you’ve read any self-help books or attended classes or seminars on personal development, you’ve undoubtedly been exposed to the idea of using affirmations. If you aren’t familiar with affirmations, the idea is to write affirming statements in a journal or repeat them verbally a certain number of times each day. The statements generally promote, encourage, or recognize some desired change in behavior.

Here are some examples of popular affirmations:

• I am getting better and better each and every day.
• I will follow my plan/diet/exercise program faithfully each and every day.
• I will do the most challenging task first each day.

The idea is to use positive self-talk to motivate yourself – to reinforce the changes you want to make in your life and to remind yourself of actions that will make a real difference in your life.

For many of you, your first exposure to affirmations was probably The Little Engine That Could by Watty Piper. Remember the story? The little train engine was trying to climb a steep hill and kept telling itself, “I think I can, I think I can.” And it was right; the little engine finally made it up the hill.

The Little Engine makes a good story. But according to research by University of Illinois professor Dolores Albarracin, there might be a better approach. In one experiment, researchers asked a group of participants to spend one minute telling themselves that they could complete a certain task. Another group was instructed to spend a minute asking themselves if they could complete the same task. The result? The second group did better on the task than the group that told themselves they could do it.

In another experiment, the researchers divided the participants into two groups. One group was instructed to write a sentence beginning with “I will”, while the second group was asked to write a sentence beginning with “Will I?” Then both groups were assigned the same task. Again, the group that asked the question rather than affirming the action did better on the task.

So what’s the lesson? It’s simple. If you want to change, don’t rely on affirmations. When we pose a question, the mind seeks an answer. Instead of saying, “I think I can, I think I can”, the Little Engine would have done better by asking, “How can I get up this steep hill?”

Learn to ask yourself, “Will I? or “How can I?” instead of simply telling yourself, “I will.” You’ll be stacking the odds in your favor.

For true success ask yourself these four questions: Why? Why not? Why not me? Why not now?
James Allen
1864 – 1912

How would you interpret the above quotation? At face value, it’s certainly true: trees don’t have branches that fight each other. So I suspect the Ojibwa Indians must have had humans in mind.

But this idea of fighting against ourselves, of being our own worst enemies, didn’t originate with the Ojibwa Indians. The Roman Poet Ovid, through his character Medea, wrote, “I am dragged along by a strange new force. Desire and reason are pulling in different directions. I see the right way and approve it, but follow the wrong.”

St. Paul, writing in Galatians 5:17, wrote, “For what the flesh desires is opposed to the Spirit, and what the Spirit desires is opposed to the flesh; for these are opposed to each other, to prevent you from doing what you want.”

Medea said she saw the right way and approved it but followed the wrong. Was Medea any different from you and me? Were the Ojibwa Indians governed by some different force than we are? Was there something special about the Galatians that prevented them from doing what they wanted to do?

The answer is no; all of them were simply human. If you want to understand why we can’t or won’t do the things we know we should, then you need to understand a bit about how the mind works.

We all have trouble doing the things we know we should. We can’t stay on diets, exercise plans, or self-development programs. We have the best of intentions, but far too often, our intentions simply aren’t good enough.

Why is it so difficult to do the things we know we should? In simple terms, we are a house divided: we each have a mind that works against itself. The rational part of the mind can understand a situation and make a logical decision about the best course of action. But the emotional part of our minds – the subconscious mind – acts automatically and often hijacks control, overruling the rational mind to satisfy emotional needs. Take eating healthy: it’s very easy for our rational mind to “see the right way and approve” healthy eating habits, but after a stressful or upsetting day, our subconscious feels the need for comfort food.

Is there a way to prevent or control this response? Yes, but it’s not what you might think. Typically, we try to control our behavior with willpower, but that technique won’t always succeed when emotional needs are in the driver’s seat. We need to recognize that it’s nearly impossible to exert control over our subconscious mind and instead find ways to make healthy behavior automatic.

If you want to engage in regular exercise, team up with a friend and commit to exercise together; time with your friend will provide emotional rewards. If you want to eat healthier, find a way to shift the decisions so they’re automatic: for instance, don’t allow junk food in the house so that you can’t be tempted. You can also seek out healthy foods that you truly enjoy and keep a ready supply on hand.

Be aware that the mind is divided, with the subconscious mind having significantly more influence over your behavior than the rational mind. If you want to be successful in doing the things “you see and approve”, don’t pin your success on willpower alone.

And if a house be divided against itself, that house cannot stand.
The Gospel according to Mark 3:25

Consider this question: would you enjoy a pampered life? Your initial reaction might be, “Of course! I’d love a life where everything was taken care of for me.”

I’ll ask you to reconsider your answer in a moment; first, I want to tell you what made me contemplate the question. There was a news item a few days ago about a penguin that escaped from The Tokyo Sea Life Park. The small Humboldt penguin lived with 134 other penguins at the aquarium. For whatever reason, this bird developed a desire to explore the outside world, so it climbed over a substantial rock barrier and escaped.

My initial reaction was to wonder why in the world a penguin would want to escape from an aquarium. After all, it had lots of company, a steady supply of food, and good medical care – plus, it didn’t have to worry about predators. Initially, it seems like a pretty idyllic life.

But then I started thinking further. Studies show that the average life expectancy of elephants in European zoos is about one third the life expectancy of elephants in the wild. To be fair, some animals in captivity do enjoy longer lives than their natural brethren – but on the whole, it’s mainly very small animals that enjoy this benefit; the smaller the animal, the less stress they suffer from confinement. Elephants in the wild are accustomed to roaming some thirty miles daily. Confining them increases their stress levels and reduces their life expectancy.

So back to my question: would you like to live a life where all your basic needs were met but you were confined and controlled?

Our basic nature is to want freedom. Think about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. First we need the basics of survival: food and shelter. Once those requirements are met, we’re driven to seek goals which are personally more satisfying, with the ultimate goal being self-actualization.

I’m afraid that most of society is becoming more like the 134 penguins that stayed behind. We’re giving up our personal goals and dreams and settling for the basic needs of life.

I’m not sure what happened to that penguin, but I say three cheers for the little bird. It may have a shorter life, but I applaud its efforts to live fully and be free.

May you live all the days of your life.
Jonathan Swift
1667 – 1745

I’m sure you’ve known people who are very uncomfortable with silence: they constantly talk even when they have nothing worth saying. At the other end of the spectrum are people who say very little – but when they do speak, their carefully chosen words convey much more than you’d expect.

Here’s my question to you: where do you fit on this continuum? I know people who talk far too much and I know others who are very frugal with their words. There are problems with both extremes. If we talk too much, people tend to listen less. But when we talk too little, we reduce our connectedness; we can become isolated and may give the impression that we aren’t interested in others.

When most of our communication was “live” – when we spoke face to face or on the phone – we could usually judge our impact by paying attention to the listener. If the person became distracted or disinterested, it was a signal that we had lost their attention; we had probably gone on too long without allowing them to participate in the conversation. Now that so much of our communication is digital, there are few direct feedback methods. It’s extremely easy to miss the signs that we’re talking too much.

So how can we know if we’re talking too much and not listening enough? Here are some thoughts for you to consider.

• Be aware of how much time you spend talking. Are you hogging the conversation? Or is there balanced participation between you and your listeners?
• Are you talking at or with your listeners? That is, do you try to engage them in discussion, or are you just stating your own opinions?
• Do you pay attention to other people’s words and respond to what they’ve said? Or do you simply ignore them in favor of whatever you want to say next?
• What’s your objective? Are you solely interested in demonstrating your knowledge and intelligence? Or is your goal to build a closer relationship through mutual understanding?

One of the most famous quotes from Shakespeare’s King Henry V is, “Men of few words are the best men.” While I think that there’s great value in being a person of few words, I’m not sure that focusing just on the number of words is the key. When we speak, we need to add value to the discussion – and whether it’s live or digital, we ought to participate in conversations, not simply deliver monologues.

I find that far too many exchanges are dominated by too few people. If we each focused on adding more value to our conversations, I believe we would contribute to a better world.

Listen to many, speak to a few.
William Shakespeare
1564 – 1616